16 funniest Ted Lasso quotes: tea is “rubbish water” and God hates draw – CNET

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Ted Lasso fakes this pleasant expression. He thinks tea is garbage water.


Ted Lasso was not hired as the head coach of AFC Richmond for his style with words. The clumsy American perfectly played by Jason SudeikisHe was actually hired for his total lack of soccer knowledge, although owner Rebecca Welton began to appreciate him after a while.

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But Lasso is amazingly quotable and exudes his all-American wisdom on everything from the mystifying rules of football to England’s national drink. While fans wait for season two to premiere on July 23, here are 16 great lines from Ted himself.

Ted about soccer

Ted ponders the beautiful game
“Tie and no playoffs. Why are you doing this at all?”

Ted hates ties
“If God wanted games to end in a draw, she wouldn’t have made up numbers.”

Ted really hates ties
“Ain’t nobody here who’s going to kiss their sister. That’s an American expression that I can tell now that it doesn’t exist here, and that’s good because it’s creepy.”

Ted can’t name many footballers
“Well, yes, you have Ronaldo and the guy who bends it like himself.”

When Rebecca chirps, “you can’t keep a gaffer out of his seat”
“I’m 0 for 2 in this sentence.”


“Does that explain the offside rule?”


Ted on tea

When asked how he takes his tea
“Well, I usually take it right back to the counter because someone made a terrible mistake.”

Ted contradicts the boss
“Okay, well, then mark this as the first time we disagree. Not really, for the second time. Tea is awful. Absolute garbage water.

Is that an essay?
“Be honest with me. It’s a joke, isn’t it? The tea? When we tourists aren’t there, do you know that it tastes like garbage? “

Ted on British baked goods

Ted explains scones to his son
“This one, that’s a scone, okay? It’s like a muffin, except it sucks all the spit out of your mouth.”


Nate and Coach Beard help Ted find their way around a new country.


Ted on names

Nate gets used to his nickname
“Yeah, until we have another Nate here, all you have to do is assume that you’re my default Nate.”

Ted on swimwear

That’s the comparison
“Now listen up. You two assholes split our changing rooms in half and when it comes to changing rooms I like them as much as my mother’s swimsuits, I just want to see them in one piece.”

Ted in eternity

Everyone loves Calvin and Hobbes
“What I can tell you is, with the exception of the wit and wisdom of Calvin and Hobbes, not much lasts forever.”

Ted on pipes

Ted tells Nate to close it
“By the love of Meghan Markle, don’t whistle again.”

Ted on friends

Great use of lyrics
“It’s just a group of people who care, Roy. Not unlike people at a hip-hop concert with their hands out of the air.”

Ted about dreams

Ted goes to Coach Beard as they prepare for a nap on the plane
“When we see each other in our dreams, let’s fool around a bit and pretend we don’t know each other.”

A Ted pun

Milking it
“Have you seen the Milk sisters anywhere? Should I fly over the back room? “

Ted Lasso’s second season launches on July 23 on Apple TV Plus. So watch, and here are 9 things you may not know on the Emmy-nominated show.

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